Relationships are not always easy.
People disagree. We get things wrong. We say things we wish we had not said. There can be periods when we feel disconnected, frustrated or simply tired of each other.
That does not necessarily mean a relationship is unhealthy.
But sometimes something feels different.
You may find yourself constantly anxious about what you say. You may be trying to keep the peace all the time. You might feel criticised, controlled, ignored or made to feel that everything is your fault.
Perhaps you have started to lose confidence in yourself.
And yet, you may still love the person.
This is one of the things that can make an unhealthy relationship so difficult to recognise — and even harder to leave.
At Evolving Minds, we believe that everyone deserves relationships in which they feel respected, heard, safe and able to be themselves.
This guide explores what an unhealthy or toxic relationship can look like, why it can be difficult to leave, what may happen afterwards, and how you can begin to heal and move forward.
What do we mean by a toxic relationship?
The word toxic is used a lot these days.
Sometimes it is used to describe any relationship that is difficult or any person whose behaviour we do not like. But relationships are rarely that simple.
A more helpful question might be:
How does this relationship make me feel, most of the time?
An unhealthy relationship is one where patterns of behaviour repeatedly leave you feeling hurt, frightened, controlled, confused, diminished or emotionally exhausted.
This can happen in romantic relationships, friendships and family relationships.
It does not mean that every moment is bad.
In fact, there may be wonderful moments too.
You may laugh together. You may have shared years of your lives. There may be affection, attraction, family, children, memories, hopes and plans for the future.
That is part of what makes it complicated.
You are not necessarily deciding between something that is completely good and something that is completely bad.
You may be trying to understand a relationship that contains both.
Recognising that something isn't right
Sometimes there is one event that makes us realise that a relationship is unhealthy.
More often, the realisation happens slowly.
You may simply notice that you do not feel like yourself anymore.
You may find yourself:
- worrying about the other person's reaction
- changing your behaviour to avoid arguments
- constantly apologising
- feeling responsible for their moods
- being regularly criticised or put down
- feeling that your thoughts or feelings do not matter
- being blamed when things go wrong
- questioning your own memory or judgement
- feeling isolated from friends or family
- being controlled around money, clothing, work or social contact
- having your phone, messages or whereabouts monitored
- feeling pressured into things you do not want to do
- repeatedly having your boundaries ignored
- feeling emotionally drained after spending time with them
- becoming less confident over time
- feeling frightened of saying no
- wondering whether you are "too sensitive" or "the problem"
One difficult moment does not define an entire relationship.
Look at the pattern.
What keeps happening?
How do problems get resolved?
Can you disagree safely?
Can you say no?
Can you have a different opinion?
Can you express hurt without being punished for it?
Can both people take responsibility when they get something wrong?
And perhaps one of the simplest questions:
Can I be myself in this relationship?
"But they can be lovely too"
This is something people can struggle to talk about.
A person who hurts you may not hurt you all the time.
There may be apologies, affection, promises, gifts or periods when everything feels wonderful again.
You might think:
"Maybe things really are changing this time."
You may remember the person you first met. You may know about their difficult childhood or previous experiences and understand why they behave as they do.
Compassion for another person's experiences is human.
But understanding someone's behaviour does not mean you have to continue being hurt by it.
Two things can be true at the same time:
Someone may have been hurt themselves, and their behaviour may still be hurting you.
Why is leaving so difficult?
People sometimes ask, "Why don't they just leave?"
There is rarely anything just about leaving.
You may love the person.
You may have children together.
Your finances may be connected.
You may share a home.
You may be frightened of being alone.
You may worry about what other people will think.
You may have religious, family or cultural expectations around relationships and separation.
You may hope things will improve.
You may have been told so many times that nobody else will want you that part of you has started to believe it.
You may even be frightened of what will happen if you try to leave.
And sometimes, after spending a long time being criticised, controlled or undermined, making a major decision can feel incredibly difficult.
So if you have found yourself leaving and going back, or thinking about leaving and then changing your mind, it does not mean you are weak.
It may mean the situation is complicated.
Deciding to leave
Ending an unhealthy relationship is a personal decision.
Nobody else can fully understand your circumstances from the outside.
You do not have to wait until things become unbearable before deciding that something is no longer right for you.
You are allowed to take your own feelings seriously.
You might begin by talking confidentially to somebody you trust.
You might write down what has been happening. This can sometimes help when you find yourself questioning whether things were "really that bad".
You might start thinking practically about money, accommodation, children, work, belongings and the people who could support you.
And if you are frightened of the person or concerned about what they may do if you leave, your safety matters more than having the perfect final conversation.
You do not owe anyone a dramatic confrontation or beautifully explained ending.
Sometimes the safest ending is a carefully planned one.
When the relationship ends
You may expect to feel relieved.
You might.
But you may also feel devastated.
You may miss them.
You may question yourself.
You may remember the wonderful moments and temporarily forget how unhappy you were.
You may feel guilty.
You may feel angry.
You may feel lonely.
You might even want to go back.
These feelings can be confusing, particularly when you were the person who ended the relationship.
But ending something does not immediately remove your emotional attachment to it.
You can know that leaving was necessary and still grieve what you have lost.
You may not only be grieving the person.
You may be grieving the relationship you hoped you would eventually have.
The future you imagined.
The family you wanted.
The promises that were made.
The version of yourself that existed before things became difficult.
Healing from a relationship is rarely a straight line.
There may be good days followed by very difficult ones.
That is okay.
The temptation to go back
After an unhealthy relationship ends, loneliness can be powerful.
The familiar can sometimes feel safer than the unknown — even when the familiar was painful.
You may start thinking:
"Maybe I overreacted."
"Perhaps I should give them one more chance."
"They said they've changed."
"Maybe it wasn't really that bad."
Before making a decision, give yourself some space.
Return to the reasons you left.
Talk to somebody who knows what you experienced.
Ask yourself whether anything has genuinely changed or whether you simply miss the connection.
Missing somebody does not automatically mean that returning to the relationship is right for you.
What happens to your confidence?
One of the quieter effects of an unhealthy relationship can be what happens to your relationship with yourself.
After months or years of criticism, blame or control, you may no longer trust your judgement.
You may question simple decisions.
You might apologise constantly.
You may struggle to say no.
You might feel guilty for putting yourself first.
You may even hear the other person's criticism in your own thoughts long after the relationship has ended.
Healing is therefore not simply about "getting over" another person.
It can also be about finding you again.
What do you like?
What matters to you?
What makes you feel comfortable?
What are your boundaries?
What do you want your life to look like?
There is no rush to answer all of these questions.
You can get to know yourself again slowly.
Healing after an unhealthy relationship
There is no single formula for healing.
But some things can help.
Give yourself time.
You do not have to recover according to somebody else's timetable.
Reconnect with people.
Healthy relationships with friends, family and community can remind us what respect, warmth and mutual care feel like.
Notice how you speak to yourself.
If your inner voice has become harsh and critical, begin noticing it. You do not have to believe everything that voice says.
Allow yourself to grieve.
You do not have to pretend the relationship meant nothing simply because it became unhealthy.
Rebuild small choices.
Choose what you want to eat. Where you want to go. What you want to wear. Who you want to spend time with. Small choices can be surprisingly important when your autonomy has been reduced.
Learn about your boundaries.
A boundary is not about controlling another person. It is about recognising what you are and are not willing to accept.
Try not to rush into proving that you are okay.
You do not have to immediately start dating again, reinvent yourself or show everybody how wonderfully you are doing.
Sometimes healing is much quieter than that.
Moving forward
Eventually, you may begin thinking about relationships again.
This can bring its own fears.
"How will I know it won't happen again?"
"Can I trust somebody?"
"Can I trust myself?"
Healthy relationships are not relationships without disagreement.
They are relationships where disagreement can happen without fear, humiliation or control.
You should be able to have a voice.
You should be able to have boundaries.
You should be able to spend time with other people.
You should be able to disagree.
You should be able to say no.
You should be able to remain an individual while also being part of a couple.
Perhaps instead of asking only:
"Do they love me?"
it can help to ask:
"How am I treated here?"
"How do I feel when I am with this person?"
"Can I be myself?"
"Do I feel respected?"
"Can we talk about difficult things?"
"Do their actions match their words?"
Love matters.
But so do respect, trust, kindness, safety and consistency.
How counselling can help
Sometimes we need somewhere to put everything we have been carrying.
Counselling gives you a confidential space to talk without being told what you "should" do.
At Evolving Minds, counselling is not about somebody sitting opposite you and deciding whether your relationship was good or bad.
It is about you.
Your experience.
Your feelings.
Your choices.
Your future.
You may want to understand why you stayed.
You may need to process anger, sadness, guilt or grief.
You may want to rebuild your confidence.
You might want to explore patterns in previous relationships.
You may need help understanding your boundaries.
Or perhaps you simply need somewhere to say:
"This happened to me, and I need somebody to hear it."
Sometimes saying things aloud in a safe, non-judgemental space can help us begin to understand experiences that have felt tangled for a very long time.
Counselling does not erase what happened.
But it can help you understand it, make sense of how it affected you and begin deciding what you want your life to look like from here.
You don't have to have all the answers
Perhaps you are reading this while still in the relationship.
Perhaps you have recently left.
Perhaps it ended years ago but you are beginning to realise that it affected you more deeply than you thought.
Wherever you are, you do not need to have everything worked out.
You can start with one question:
How am I, really?
And give yourself permission to listen to the answer.
At Evolving Minds, we meet you where you are.
Not where somebody else thinks you should be.
Not where you think you ought to be by now.
Where you are.
If you would like a safe, confidential and compassionate space to explore your relationship, what has happened to you, or how you move forward, counselling may be a helpful place to begin.
You deserve the opportunity to be heard.
If you are worried about your safety
If a relationship involves threats, violence, sexual coercion, stalking, intimidation or controlling behaviour, it may be more than an unhealthy relationship.
Please consider seeking specialist domestic abuse support and, if you are in immediate danger, contact the emergency services.
Your safety comes first.